I wish I could be open with my parents about things but they really know so little about me just that I’m depressed and anxious ad have a lot of health issues and all my friends come from the internet basically

sometimes I think I like it that way but sometimes I wish I felt like they’d care or listen or not be shitty if I tried to talk about things that matter to me but considering my mom can’t even understand that she triggers my anxiety all the time I really doubt that would ever work

based on what she was saying on the phone to my aunt tonight I feel like another breakdown is on the horizon bc when she brings up me getting a gardasil shot again there’s no way I can get around it without scrwraming at her that I’m asexual and don’t ever plan on having sex so that will be a fun talk with lots of tears I’m sure bc she will ask why and ask what “made me this way” and I don’t want to have that talk

my favorite part of the semester, wenh i email all my professors and people in the office of specialized services about how im scared of failing bc of myattendance!!! 

i dont know why i submitted documentation to them like they just gave me extra time on tests whicih n ever even needeD???? ??????? i dont have test anxiety i anct leave my house but i guess whoever read my paperwork cant discern the difference

my speech is awful but its on time and uploaded and i messaged my professor about making it private so only she can see it (i put it as public for now but like i explained my anxiety and that and my AS make it hard to give speeches like i really did know my topic but having to even look directly into a camera i was still looking away and getting anxious idk!!!!!!! im really trying!!!!!!!)

and i spent like an hour catching up on math hw but im still really behind but i did a lot and i emailed my professor to make time to go to office hours later this week im just. stressed out and i need to do well in these two classes and im sick of having to reach out to people and explain my circumstances because its embarrassing no matter how many times adults tell me its not it always fucking is having to have people pander to my damn disorders?????? its embarrassing. it always will be

i just cant function like other people. im not cut out for school at least all these fucking gen eds that make me want to rip my hair out one by one

last spring i was taking japanese and women in cinema and english comp (which i did end up having to tell my prof about my anxiety but she was really good about it) and west civ which actually blew but it was easy enough 

like i genuinely remember liking at least the first 2 classes and i wrote a paper i was really proud of for my comp class but having to take remedial math and give speeches just to graduate makes me feel so sick because these are the things im awful at and having to take them all at the same time bc i left it until the damn end of my time here just makes this probably the worst semester ever academically even tho im in a much better mental state like my meds help and im happy about a lot of things but this keeps dragging me back into the mire and im ready to smash something or like. myself

love breaking down crying in a room all by myself becausei  had to record a speech like i havent enve uploaded it for people to see yet but i was stuttering and kept forgetting EVERYTIHNG even though i know it all i just can’t speak even when it’s just to a webcam if i know i’m being graded and people will see it i freeze up and im sitting here nauseated and crying and im emailing my professor like i hate to blame everything on my anxiety and AS but im just. terrible who cares

say goodbye to my 3.9 gpa 

im still so upset with how i did on my math test bc i got most of the problems right i just got a few wrong and they were worth a lot of points i guess or he didn’t give partial credit

i can go do corrections in his office hours but i probably need to send an email too bc he wrote on my exam to “attend class” and it made me want to cry 

i hate all these stupid requirements i need to graduate bc this time last year i actually liked school bc i liked my classes and now i’m just down to taking shit i honestly hate

but i can’t tackle all of this at once and crumpling into a ball won’t help and i need to record and upload my speech before 11 tonight so that’s the first step and then doing math hw and emailing my professor comes after that

my car is making bad noises and i’m worried the repairs will cost a lot. my laptop charger just broke and i had to buy a new one and i’m just >_____> after my client cancelled bc my paycheck i’m getting next month is gonna be significantly smaller than i thought now that i don’t have that job but idk life will work out somehow. i don’t know. it usually does